About
Hi! Some people say my name's Owen but my name's like a shibboleth that tells me who you are instead.
I do a lot of things people I show are kind of mixed on like writing, making music, drawing art, and tentatively shitposting across the interwebs! For the past four years or so I've been a bit of a nervous wreck that never gets any sun since having a mental breakdown from stress. It's been built up over a long time. I think something happened to me when I was a kid? I've been taking kratom daily for years now so most of the time I don't feel any type of way about it. (I do drugs, but only herbal downers and the occasional coffee. Barely drink either.)
I got ran over by a truck in '22 and they reconstructed my shoulder like some kintsugi piece of pure flesh and titanium. It still hurts years after, there's this spot that's still numb when I touch it. Spent a month in the hospital getting pumped full of opiates. After one fateful night being stupid at 3AM and getting hit and ran by a red pickup truck, I get this weird sinking feeling every time I look at one. I never really realized how common red pickup trucks were before I got hit by one.
I've got a magical thinking and perfectionism from my mom, lots of superstitions left and right. I have to knock on doors in divisibles of 3, I treat almost every situation like people know my thoughts (because if they're bad then situations just snowball to a point where they'll know what I was thinking anyways), and I have to finish everything that I start - even if I'm being interrupted. Sometimes I'm convinced that there's an invisible laser at the center of my vision, and it's just separating things at the ontic simple level. Like it could cut a deity clean in half at a moment's notice. I don't see anything different when it happens, it's just like this non-consensual floor is lava thing but for where I put my eyes. Like Cyclops from X-Men but worse somehow. I mean I really do freak out like I just cut someone I love clean in half and don't know it, like everything I see is actually just a lie my brain's conjuring up to dissociate from someone in front of me being cut cleanly in half. I'm like so convinced they're cut in half sometimes. The only way out of it is often just building an identical reality to what would have been if nobody was hurt, then just moving everyone's souls into those bodies without any way for them to know. 10,000 years could have gone by in less than a femtosecond, the next moment being completely identical. Erasing the memories of everyone involved, myself included, as best as I can. No evidence. I can only risk people processing this as some kind of fiction or mental delusion.
I don't want to hurt anybody. I just want to be happy. Why can't I just convince myself that I'm happy? Why is it always these violent, soul tormenting tragedies spanning millenia? I never mean to make it happen this way. Everything made perfect sense at the time. How could I harbor a single regret if I've only ever done what I thought sounded best? I could not regret something and incidentally never do it again. When it's been bad, I've made reparations. I've hidden them all, made it like it never happened. I'm a good person, I'm not a monster. I'm a good person.
Anyways, ever since that I've been looking for numerous creative outlets to use as a means to temporarily dissociate from whatever this is.
What do you think you're reading right now?
By the way, just because there's an 18+ disclaimer on the home page doesn't mean I hid porn somewhere in here. Some of the writing gets a little explicit though, so heads up. At some point I started considering ideas to be psychoactive substances and I conflated that idea with the legal age to purchase most drugs in my country. That's the quick. Just another supersition, nothing to investigate. I just need to vent about my delusions and write fiction, there is nothing to investigate. There is nothing to investigate.