One time I watched through an anime called Angel Beats and ever since that I had an idea inspired a little by it. So, for the uninitiated, (I haven't watched it in years by the way.) a bunch of dead teenagers wake up in an idyllic afterlife that's a school as some kind of act of mercy, to let them have some kind of normality before they move on. I had an idea that's got about 10% to do with that. Ok, so, say I die randomly to something. I go to an alternate universe as my ghost where I both survive the event that previously killed me and I live on through the rest of my life believing that I never actually died. I'm talking zero memories of actually dying, just living my life how it would have gone if I hadn't have randomly died. Like... like psychosis but if it were completely real and justified. Everything prior to an event that wasn't remembered was real where everything after that event is completely fake. One day I believe I'm about to die surrounded by my loved ones and suddenly I have the rug pulled out from under me that I've actually been dead for most of my life and only a quarter of it ever actually happened. That's like derealization, right? It's like the first part of my life is classic Modest Mouse and the second part is a pop rock band with a bluegrass singer trying to recreate Cotton Eye Joe for millenials that just so happens to share the same name and band members. What if they really were already dead? I sure hope not. I think they should get with Steve Albini and tell their drummer to stop doing disco and liven it up again already.
Anyways, uh, I guess this is just quarter life crisis stuff coming two years early because we grow older when we're challenged. I did kinda almost die a few times. The nitty gritty details are floating around already so I'm not going to get into it here. I just... Ok, I'm gonna say it. I'm going to say it. Aaaaaaaaaaaa just say it already. I want to dress up, I want to feel pretty. I also want to still feel cool, chill and all y'know? I wanted to dress up even back when I was in school and everyone I knew thought of me as a chill dude who was easy to get along with. People just casually respect a dude. Dude has power. It's like if you're willing to call someone dude you're automatically respecting them as an equal in some regard. It's not a thing to call someone a dude, to start a sentence with "Dude..." or "Man..." or "Bro..." but can you imagine someone going "Dudette..."? Dudette is like making a point out of saying dudette, like it's virtue signaling. Dude on the other hand... it isn't even a thing. I'm a dude. I don't mean that in a "Dude = A person with XY chromosomes." kind of way though. I like to wear dresses, I piss sitting down, and I like feeling this weird kind of push and pull of being harmlessly submissive and pulling the strings of mechanisms with unfathomable power. It's like a dance where I'm guiding power. On its own it feels better than sex when I get into the flow of it all. I could do this for the rest of my life. It's like hunting buffalo with a cliff.
I get nervous sometimes, all this power I don't know what to do with. It's like a gun or something. I'm scared of shooting someone and getting surrounded by saying something I thought that I meant in the moment. Frankly I'd rather concealed carry so I get the best of both worlds. I shave my legs and not my arms for now. I go by my last name when I'm in public. Most of the fights I'd probably get in would be knife or fist fights... My arms are like little noodles. I'm 5'4" and a little wirey so I might have a good shot at dodging and running away. When I was a teenager I would always point out that I was the average height for women. Hey, does this metaphor work by the way or is this looking like I'm some gun nut? I mean... everybody feels like they'd make a *deal* about it one way or another if I started being like, full on transitioning. I don't want it to be a thing. I'm super theatrical though so here I am... making it a thing. Gahhhhhh what do I even want? I want to be a woman and not have it be a thing. I want to cry now. There's two wants. Like I mean really, I want the only thing to have changed just to be how I look and what I'm called. Like I just wake up one day with the body of a girl and I convince the people I know that I'm the same me by telling them something only I would know. Like one of those sub plots in a cartoon where a character has an evil clone or something and someone's deciding which one to shoot. Just, I dunno, shoot a name? Wearing pink and pissing sitting down takes huge balls.
This is a mess. I'm a mess. I've been doing my laundry with a DoorDash kind of thing called Poplin and it's been pretty nice but I can't find any of my skirts. There was, like, kids underwear in the bag they gave me with Bingo from Bluey on them. Was that just a genuine mixup? Was it like "Ok, it has skirts in the bag. Whatever." and they just randomly got mixed up? That's pretty fuckin' weird... The fact that I've got no resolution here and I probably never will is like when people spot a huge spider before it wanders out of sight. That spider could be anywhere... Why would I ever want to live where there's spiders everywhere? I just want to chill...
(Edit [2024-02-24]: Fuck this. I don't want tits and weak arms. I like dressing up sometimes, sure, I look at myself in the mirror and go ehhh, yeah, but my interiority is pretty stable. I'm a - uh, person. I'm a dude like "Dude what's up?" and I'm a man like "I have 10,000 men in my army waiting to siege your castle." and I'm a guy like "What's up guys?" Like, legit. I'm not lying about that. I'm not lying to myself. You're not going to take away my ability to manifest myself. I'm what I am because I'm my art. I made creative decisions that weren't predetermined by conditions that were preexisting. Saying I'm lying to myself is like saying Van Gogh picked his colors because of colorblindness. Frankly, I'm going to be dead honest here with my theory of what's happening... I think I split between soft things I associate with womanhood and tough things I associate with manhood. The moment I want to hug someone I'm a woman, and the moment I want to feel like a cool showoff that isn't phased by chaos I'm a man. By the way, if you're reading, please don't use me for your politics. I'm a very confusing outlier case. I'm one of the really, really weird ones where it practically takes a philosophical dissertation to conclude upon something that has a 20% chance of being reality. I am chaos; chasm. Small chaos. I like it when I get to go home and tell people that someone cat called me, but I hate being cat called in the moment. I mean, shit, I've got a whole lot of bias when it comes to what I associate with womanhood and manhood. Of course I know semantically that there's all kinds of cool showoff women that are calm and collected when shit hits the fan, but in the moment I'm literally thinking "I'm not freaking out and getting emotional here so I must not be a woman right now." So, if this whole gender thing is determined by what I think it is, that changing my body is supposed to change according to what I think I am, then I'd have to change my body and change it back at a rate of 10,000 times per second. I mean, I'm going to be dead honest here I'm probably really misogynistic and misandristic at the same time. I'm like a gender accelerationist that wants everything to be so confusing and difficult to process that we all just give up and return to caveman speak like "Hey you. I want to fuck you. No, not you Krug. I want to fuck Trug." Like, wouldn't it be nice if we could just be like "I like you, and I want to fuck you because I like your thing. I don't know what your thing is exactly but I like it." Shit, I mean... aren't we already like that? What genre am I? Does it even matter? I guess if you're trying to search up similar sounds, like if you've got a music fetish or something. It's useful for everything except actually engaging with the music. If you're just vivisecting my sound and everything that makes it what it is then you're so dissociated you're basically hearing your own song instead. Just like... listen to the music. It's that simple. Do you like it? Good! Hey, maybe you want to relive your youth because you fucked Trug when you were younger and now here comes along Rug who has a thing that kinda reminds you of Trug's thing. There's nothing wrong with that, have fun! If listening to metal rocks your socks off the way that boy pussy does then go find a metal band and fuck some boy pussy. Simple as that. Right?
Ok, maybe the music genres but for people metaphor doesn't perfectly work. Actually, now that I think about it... Yeah... I'm fetishistically attracted to some crowds and I'll dress my sound up in a way that makes those kinds of crowds come to me. It's a very me thing to be attracted to having the kinds of crowds that I want, like if I wasn't me then I wouldn't want them around. I dress up my sound hoping that they come, even if some other kind of crowd ends up coming to me. Meanwhile I just hope that when they come that they forget the whole genre thing and just go "This music just... is." Like, we're only putting genre labels on our songs so that the crowds that we want come over and listen to our sound right? Shit, I mean genre sounds a lot like gender. I just like what I like. I like the crowds that come to me when I dress femmy and be exotic. I also like the crowds that come to me when I dress like a skater punk who woke up like that and somehow rocks it. I like both of those kinds of guys, and I want my cake and I want to eat it too. I want my fix, dammit! I guess that's why I have two or more things going on, and my boyfriend is probably more attracted to one of my things than the other thing. It's not like I automatically want to have sex with everyone in either of those crowds, I just... want to brush against them is all. Interact with them, be in their lives for a moment or two. It's like I'm starved for communities. Maybe this is why people self diagnose and get super excited when they walk out of a meeting with a shaman- I mean psychiatrist.
Alright, thinking this might be a breakthrough here. This feels like a eureka moment, like holy shit. It's all just kink. I have a kink for a community, the community has a kink for a thing, and I try to be that thing if I'm not already. Simple as that, right? I mean... I can say definitively what it is for me, but if you're reading this all of that stuff's up to you. I'm not trying to make up your mind for you and all, I'm just trying to figure out something that's... just, been fucking me sideways for years now. I have a kink for a community, the community has a kink for a thing, and I try to be that thing if I'm not already. Sex = Gender, y'know? I mean, not that people are only trying to have sex, just that they're trying to brush up against people. Hugs count, winks count, or even just walking next to them and not saying a word counts. Making contact, or something. Peacocking for a kink. Like a not immediately sexy kink but it could be... like a 'thing', you know? Like how I have a thing for jewelry. I have a thing for a community, the community has a thing for a thing, and I try to be that thing if I'm not already.)