I don't want to think about having a dick either. I don't want to think about having a name. I like Owen sometimes, I like what it means I guess. Wilfred Owen was a brave warrior who died in the field of battle after penning some very brutal poetry and beautiful letters. My mom happened to have the book laying around and she was taking notes in it. People make it weird is all. Like they make it really weird. Does it have to mean anything that I like how the name sounds? That I like something starting with O I guess? It doesn't have to mean anything. There's also so much stuff I've built up over the years around that name, it's kinda ridiculous. I have a whole logo around Overdubs that's completely based on the name Owen. I've got a whole album named Owens Lake, like as long as I live I'm going to be tied to the name Owen no matter what.
This is the moment I'd scream into a pillow. I'm going to represent that with a bunch of repeating A letters. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I don't know if I like this. I feel so much more comfortable being in this kinda zone of nothingness, like less than nothingness because even nothing is a thing. Nothing is like a metaphysical transformation, like it only exists relative to existing objects. I have to refer to something like a can of beans and say that, relative to that existing can of beans, before that can of beans there was nothing. Now I have nothing'd the can of beans. That isn't nothing, that's just a mutated idea of a can of beans. I'm talking about not even beginning with the can of beans, not even starting with it. Just, pure, raw, existence. I exist. I am. I simply exist. I am. Beans.
Real and fake are just descriptors we use to mutate things that already exist. Real things are useful to us, and fake things can be useful too. Sometimes each can be either. I just really wanna be in that primordial soup where I can literally be anything. Describing me is raising my entropy, I'm serious. There's less things I can be beyond that point. I exist as Chaos within Chaos Theory where I can be infinite things from here, but the moment I start fitting into boxes I just keep losing the room to stretch. Each form is a rule I've got to follow for the rest of time. I don't want to always assert dominance like some idea of a man or always project passivity like some idea of a woman, I want to be free to do either at any juncture I please. My body is nothing to me. I give it enough to survive, I clean it enough to make my social life not fall apart.
Thoughts like this were how I came up with the name An Exonym. It's an exonym. It isn't my name as my name. I love that name more than every other name I've come up with but I'd feel like a tool if I told my coworkers to call me An Exonym. Lately I've come up with a little bit of a workaround. I was thinking about Omori, how there's a character in it named Basil and I was surprised that people get named after spices. I was thinking about spices that are cool and I thought about this spice called Anise. Anise can get shortened to An, it's unique enough that most people haven't encountered it before and don't have pre-downloaded meanings for it. I can literally decide what it means for the rest of my life. I still like An Exonym better though. Sometimes I think about it like it's one of those fancy greek names like Zeno of Citium so An Exonym of Chambana or something.
I also like the name Not. Like "my name is not (repeating)". A friend of mine reconnected with me after I got hit by a truck a few years ago and we were talking about maybe putting a band together called Argonots where she's Argo and I'm Not. Or I'm not Argo. It's never really made clear. I've thought about that for a while now, I kinda like it. It's like I found the golden fleece or something. By this point I might have 72 or more names.