I don't know if I should use it while it's useful to have sex and live an active lifestyle or if that's some kind of escape for an unfalsifiable premise where there's a psychological barrier I'm unable to breach or process. If it's always where I simply can't see it, then I can't verify it at all. I've got to use blind faith, I've got to be irrational and believe for literally no reason whatsoever that this... thing... is deciding all of the things that I'm doing. Further than that I've got to use more blind faith to believe I know what that thing is, and then I've got to have blind faith in what I believe will actually treat that thing. Is any of this making sense right now? It doesn't make sense to me either.
On the other side of things I have to use blind faith to dismiss this unfalsifiable premise, this psychological barrier that's inherently impossible to comprehend, to believe that it is more optimal to continue with my everyday actions as though it doesn't exist. An abyssal void of all comprehension disseminates every waking moment of my consciousness and leaves me with only irrationality as a means of escape. On one end, I could be a woman for no reason. On the other end, I could be a femboy for no reason. On another end, I could be both for no reason. On yet another end, I could be neither! For no reason! Both, either, neither... It's really strange how many things can get distilled into a trinity like that. Every waking moment, every decision, is a bridge where I need to pass a troll's speech check or pay up in cosmetics that I don't need.
Fuck, I dunno... dressing up makes me feel pretty, I kinda like looking pretty, but is that worth taking an entire hour or so out of every morning where I could otherwise be making things I'm proud of? "What if that's a cope?" is a question I'm acosted by when I write this, and it's a catch 22 either way. There isn't any feedback! I don't fucking know! It's unfalsifiable! If there's some psychological barrier within my consciousness that is impossible for me to breach right now then it doesn't matter what secrets it has stored behind it, it can't be verified. Nobody else can think within my head, they can't prove whether it's possible or impossible from here. In retrospect if it opens then it's proven possible, but from here it's completely devoid of any feedback. I have to make up my truth, manifest it.
If it turns out that none of this was a waste of time then that's kinda nice. Imagine if I did a pivot into being a filmmaker and people actually took it for what it was...