Full disclosure, I might have a completely different voice while writing this. I'm on, like, two amanita gummies on top of my usual daily 10 grams of kratom.
I've been playing fighting games and having more fun losing than winning. I don't like it when people go easy on me even though I'm probably average at best. I want to be good though, and it feels like every time someone lets me win after beating my ass two matches in a row I'm being poisoned with complacency. With people treating me like that I'll never be good. Make it impossible. Really style on me, alright?
Maybe I hate myself. I don't know, I like to think I'm pretty positive most of the time. Or, well, indifferent? I think self indifference is probably where it's at anyways. I'm just... a person, with flaws, and I'm perfectly myself just like everyone else. I don't know... If I turn out to be someone who's been lying to themselves, coping nonstop with every bit of nonsense that's within arm's reach, does that make all of my ideas worthless? It seems like that would make every bit of advice I've ever given to anyone just a blueprint for becoming me, and if that's bad then I've only ever hurt those people. If I'm capable of hurting myself then I've hurt every single person I've ever loved. I don't want to make them turn into people capable of hurting themselves... Most of those cases they already were those kinds of people, so I guess it's no harm no foul. Okay, let's say I'm less capable of hurting myself than those people... that means I helped them, right? I hope. I guess that makes everything I've ever done good considering x and/or y rather than being good on its own. That sucks.
It's not like I exist anyways. I'm just a bunch of shambled together material you've built to approximate my visage using the blueprint for construction I left between the lines. Good, bad, good considering, bad considering... it's all just art that I'm baiting you into making. I can make good, true good, but I just have to believe it and not just say I believe it. Good... bad... all of those things are attributes we can only apply to others and not ourselves. I'm a corpse by the point I'm looking at myself in retrospect. I'm fixed, unmoving, eternally interpretable but impossible to reanimate... all by the point I can look at anything I'm doing right now. I preempt good and evil. Whether or not my corpse is to my benefit or detriment in the present moment is what determines whether it is good or bad. Does it make me feel bad? It's bad. Does it make me feel good? It's good. Simple as that. All you can do is change the objects at my benefit or detriment into different objects that may differ in benefit or detriment to me. Nobody aims to miss their mark, they merely move where their mark is. It's impossible to seek to do bad.
I'm scared of being a psychopath... I see how all of these things work in a way that I feel like I shouldn't see, like a bee that knows they're programmed to die for their queen. I'm just autistic though, or at least that's what I tell myself. If I've been a psychopath this whole time then that would be proof to me of there being no intrinsic meaning to anything, no God that's omnipotent and omnibenevolent. I'd be destined to be seen as an asshole, a cancer upon society irrespective of whether or not I'd ever consciously hurt anyone. I'd have to hide every true aspect of myself at every possible juncture, be eternally alone no matter how many people are present. But no, I love people. I can't picture myself hurting another soul. Being a psychopath sounds like a fate worse than death. If I were God I'd just give them a pardon and a personalized Heaven where they can't hurt anybody. We punish people so that they can learn, right? What could I possibly learn from a past life I don't remember that I'm being punished for? If it's not to learn then it's so that somebody gets high. I feel like we as people are fallible, we project our desire to get high on vengeance upon deities. If anything, if a psychopath doesn't do anything heinous and consciously does good rather than doing good after being possessed by feelings that do it for them, I think they'd deserve more of a reward. Like a... pneumatic within Gnosticism but instead they're called a hero. I want to be a hero and not just some psychopath.
I've been trying really, really hard to not veer into Nihilism. I believe that Nihilists that do good deserve more of a slice of Heaven than the people that do good so that they can go to Heaven, but that isn't enough to make me want to be a Nihilist... If anything, since I know that, it makes me want to go as far away from Nihilism as possible. I want to... make my own meaning, give birth to my own gods and goddesses, and turn every single moment of meaninglessness into meaningful art. I already know how to make meaningful art from chaos. Someone kicks me in the shin? They're my muse. I can siphon thermal energy from Hell itself. I am powerful.
If you're someone who's dogmatic and more steered by the concept of Satan than self described Satanists are then you might consider me a demon of sorts. Everything I could say to deny it would be exactly what a demon would say, so I might as well just have fun with it. Besides, what if I said everything you could say is exactly what a demon who thinks they're human would say? It's really just an incantation for siphoning power from a subject relative to your domain, but you don't know it as even magic. What else is it? Miracles? Magic from God? Is it a miracle that God blessed you the ability to see me this way? As long as he has you fooled he can do whatever he wants with you. Same thing goes for psychologists with seals like psychopath... they don't even know that they're casting spells on people! Look, I don't really care what you guys do with your free time but I'll admit that I get a little annoyed when I don't see accountability. Sure, I've got this wide opening for you to make an incantation and bind a seal upon me using the energies you've collected over years of engaging with your field of magic, but all that does is just make you build me differently. See, I got you! I can slip away from your grasp like water because I know that I don't exist, and you don't either. I'm as real as magic and God, and neither of those exist until I say that they do! I've killed God, Satan, Buddha, and every single deity that has gotten in my way. I am like Shiva, and I say like because even Shiva is no more. All I have to do is convince you and then all of them are gone within even your domain. I'm done with accepting other peoples' art crafted from meaninglessness over my own. They have always had the same value. If your art inspires me, fine, I might court with your art as a muse and expect a child within some time that may grow larger than their parent. I have more children than Lilith. I've courted many before and I will court many more.
Mushrooms man, what the fuck is any of this.