Therapy sounds interesting. I get, like, two days off a week. That's normal for a lot of people here. I use my two days either for catching up with friends, or making stuff. If I didn't do either then I'd be fucked. How do I fit in one more thing? I've got my two things, and my two days. I do one thing a day. I stay up late, I wake up late. I instacart groceries and I poplin laundry even though I have a washer and dryer. I shower probably every two or three days. I eat calzones or mandarin oranges whenever I'm not eating the same cafeteria food they give to the psych ward patients. You won't catch me saying that I'm not gross but I won't be deliberately calling attention to it often.
Frankly I look forward to going to work so that I can do things that make sense... I'm good enough at cleaning stuff that I get into a flow state every time I start on my bathroom rounds. I'm not practiced in cleaning my apartment. It's like a completely different dialect of the language of cleaning. I'm fluent in cleaning cart cleaning, not finding a place for stuff so I can wipe underneath it cleaning. Sometimes I tell myself I'll somehow be happy if I manage to make it to Tibet and live on some spiritual retreat where I can build my happiness instead of trying in vain to find it. I could be a spiritually awakened zen master that never shares their secrets because they reside in a completely separate language, one inspired by my native tongue yet only I am fluent in it.
Or something like that. Therapists... they feel like they're so calm because they have an extrinsic motivation to work on themselves, to not be an embarassing hypocrite in front of their patients. Maybe if I had disciples I'd be able to force myself to meditate way more often than I do... Who knows? I think that if I take it a step further towards intrinsic motivation, doing for its own sake, harvesting Hell's thermal energy, I can be fire. I can be energy vibrating at impressive speeds, either powering others or causing them great pain. Some may even stay near me hoping to have some of the warmth that I radiate. Someone may try to do what I do, copy all of my movements, stay extremely close to me, and they may be burned into a crisp by their close proximity. Why have Hell's energy fed to me like a baby bird when I could be Hell itself?