...

I'm just gonna say it. I'm tired of staring blankly at this HTML and muttering to myself "I hate being like this.", and that wasn't the thing I was gonna say. Aaaa... Alright. If gender is performative can't I just 'man' myself and suddenly I don't have any problems with my body hair? I haven't worn shorts regularly since I was a kid. I was willing to flunk P.E. class just because they made me take off my jeans and show my hairy legs. I get how there's guys out there that don't like body hair and all, but this is different. This isn't just me being particular about a weird part of my body, y'know?

So why don't I 'man' myself and just solve all those problems? Oh great, I just admitted there's more problems. Look, if I could do that I would have so many times over. Like you wouldn't believe. I can 'man' myself as, like, a member of mankind I guess. Or if I was in an army I'd be counted among the 'men' totaled. I hear 'Be a man.' like someone saying 'Be an adult." because for some reason people even say that to women. I've seen it, and somehow they don't make it as weird as you'd think. I want to be an adult, be wise, be someone to rely on. Do I have to wear shorts?

Right now I'm like a blob of nothingness who fantasizes about living in an idyllic cartoon world with cartoon body proportions out of righteous indignation. It feels like the only way that concept could reasonably touch reality is if I died somehow, then became a god and could do whatever I want. I'd shapeshift and do a bunch of experiments. Bare in mind I'm not Randy Stair about it or anything, I'll die when I die and that's just random. I just want to look in the mirror and see what I like to see in the world: a fanservice anime girl, in this case. I never picture a buff guy, a twink, or even a femboy. Just... straight to titties.

And that I find strange because I like guys too. I'm a little tentative with most guys, but that's just because I haven't been with many of them. My whole thing is that if I can picture myself right next to you, then you're ten times as attractive in my eyes. That means if I've been right next to someone similar before in my life, then I know it's possible. People who have absurd proportions don't even get me hard, I'm just like 'whatever on to the next thing' until I see someone who's actively trying to be right next to me. That they're trying at all makes it possible for me to picture it, so then I start getting attracted to them.

Anyways all of that's besides the point. I like seeing guys in the world so why don't I ever picture myself shapeshifting into a Jojo guy? It just doesn't happen. Sometimes I'll think like I'm turning whatever I currently look like into a 10/10 version of itself in some arbitrary way that I don't actually picture. In that kind of case it's more about the effect of being truly hot without trying to be, and that's the fantasy. This all is getting really narcissistic, really fast. Actually, nahh... This isn't about getting your approval. This is my approval of my approval, and that isn't conditional upon your approval.

I'm scared of HRT. It freaks me out that for the rest of my life I'll be tethered to places I can get Estradiol and Spirolactone. That I have to get out of bed and do what seems like twelve more things when the two things I do with my mornings seem like they already push the limit. That I'm spending money to affirm my identity to begin with. It seems really sketchy and I don't like it. Now it's next afternoon after I crawled into the fetal position in my desk chair and fell asleep. I had to have fallen asleep at 3 or 4AM, when I woke up to my 10 alarm I just crawled into my bed and passed out until it was 1PM. A weird bug was on my bed that I carried outside.

I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. Is this all just feeding a dissociative tendency? I used to have intrusive thoughts every time I'd go to pee, that I only thought I had a penis and that I'm peeing all over myself whenever I pee standing up. That I actually had the body of a girl and I was so crazy dissociated that everyone I knew had training on how to feed my fantasy and avoid a complete catatonic mental collapse. I literally casually gaslight myself. What is that, like FTMTF or something? Either way I pee sitting down just in case.

Can I just make an aside here? Pee ricochets all over the bathroom walls when people pee standing up, like you need to wipe it with shaving cream to get that stuff to not show on a blacklight. That's super gross. If it ends up on the walls then you know for sure it ends up on your clothes. Then there's how people have to pull their pants up before they wash their hands, and that whole problem needs a whole new bathroom infrastructure to fix. Sinks right next to toilets or something. Pocket sinks? The fact that I've got this many bathroom politics to begin with is really tickling the gender essentialist brain worms.

Maybe it's that when I was a kid I was mostly friends with girls until I moved and got roped into a group of guys who really got a kick out of grossing me out. I don't know though, the fact that I keep going into this stuff unprompted... I think it would be nice if I stumbled onto a magic wand and I could make myself look like whatever I want, but not in the kind of way where I'd arise suspicion. Like people would just treat me like I've always looked like that, otherwise I'd probably be kidnapped and taken to Area 51 or something so I can use my magic on their airplanes. I don't want it to be a big deal.