...

I can't cry. It doesn't happen. Not in the traditional sense at least. I could maybe pin the blame on opioids... Thing is that I'd be much worse off without them.

Kratom regulates dopamine, similar to an atypical antipsychotic. I don't have a prescription for anything. Psychiatrists would probably cost me hundreds just to get through the door months from now, only to get a script full of pills that have no guarantee of working. I know that kratom works, even if it fucks up my liver. I have this thing where I keep on freezing.

I stare forwards, I can only move my eyes and blink. If I'm lucky I could tense up a leg or an arm muscle and get some ability to move for anywhere from 30 more seconds to a minute, all before I slump over again. Rinse and repeat something like four or five times and then I can move around like normal, just with a little bit of brain fog.

It happens at work sometimes. On camera I'm just slumped over, flopping an arm here and there. It makes me think of that scene from Kill Bill where she's staring at her toe and trying to make it wiggle. When I get consistent with my kratom, taking 5 grams in the afternoon and 5 grams before bed, it doesn't happen. I just have to be on at least a week or two streak.

But that's not what I'm crying about.

I come home and I can't do anything. I pass out, I wake up, and suddenly I'm in an alien world where everything's foreign to me. Then I take my kratom before going off to work again and then I can barely manage for the next couple hours. First half of the day I can focus on all kinds of odd jobs and tasks, second half I'm only going to do what's in my job description before sitting and staring the first chance I get.

My roommate calls me attention deficit, I leave things on the counter and forget about them. My mom called me ADHD my whole childhood but I never got a diagnosis. I'm just doing what allows me to function on a baseline level, and since I'm only just functioning I'm already out of energy by the time I get the chance for something better. That's just life.

People say when you're depressed you've just got to make a few extra steps. Going on walks, exercising, drinking water, sleeping enough, scheduling therapy appointments, and the list goes on and on. I'm already at maximum capacity. I already take all the steps I can make in a day doing something. I don't know what steps are crucial or not. It ain't broke, I'm still breathing.

Somehow I stumbled into a way of life that lets me function. I'm not trying to kill myself every two seconds, I pay my bills, I make it to work on time. I hang out with friends, I'm a shoulder to lean on for people I know who are struggling. People look at me and think "Cool guy. I want that guy's chill." like I'm a really stable person. Or I know a lot of good liars.

It's like I'm a billionaire trying to raise my net worth even more, just with these steps instead of money. I want all the good steps. The steps I have are probably enough to get me by for the rest of my life, but I want better steps. I want the brain equivalent of my eighth yacht, and I want it to have a helicopter landing pad with blackjack and hookers.

I want the time and energy to dress the way I want, to perfect my act so I get that feel-good response from people 'getting it'. Instead of wasting their time dissecting the story and my performance, just sitting back and enjoying the show. Like yeah I'm acting, whatever. I'm a character, I'm fake, whatever. It's all so I can show you something true. It's an angle on truth you can't get anywhere else.

I've heard the idea that if I take the extra steps to wear a dress, get on estrogen, and put on makeup every day then I'll be a happy person. I don't know what's real anymore, I don't trust my brain, but I still like the idea. Thing is, maximum capacity. I'm stuck here, and it feels like the only way I'll free up RAM is if I close the 'work' app and I make all my money from a disability check.

So here I am, fantasizing about convincing the state that I'm disabled all so I can wear a pretty dress. Well, not just that. I want to make stuff, meditate, sleep better, read more, and pretty much every other step I can think of. Ooo, exercise sounds nice. I'm mostly thinking about that dress right now. It'll have to be cheap, maybe thrift store, or I'll learn how to sew or something.

I'm thinking in loops over and over again about how I'm doing the best that I can, that everything bad there is right now just has to do with circumstance. Sure it looks like I've got the muscle to do everything I need, it looks like I'm being lazy. But if you had my brain you'd be frozen in place. You'd probably be doing worse than I am right now, I've got 24 years of practice with this faulty equipment.